Howdy, Stranger!

It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!

Newport - Score prediction

As usual, no marks at all for conventional predictions.

0-0 - match abandoned in 8th minute after the last available ball bounces out of the stadium off the QPR-in-the-80's-style astro.


  • Wycombe romp to a 3-0 lead on Newport's spanking new playing surface, but in the second half, the giant Mudbeast that once lived under the Rodney Parade quagmire now bursts through the turf to take terrifying revenge on those who dared cover his home with desso or whatever the hell it is.

    Bayo bravely takes the Mudbeast on single handedly, unleashing full Beast Mode - and is instantly obliterated.

    The Mudbeast looks to have won, roaring; "You should of left the pitch as it was!"

    There is a polite cough. The Mudbeast turns to see Eric Plant standing there.
    "It's should have" Eric calmly points out. The Mudbeast roars in pain as it crumbles into the turf, grammatical pedantry being it's secret weakness. Eric is carried triumphantly from the ground on the shoulders of the Facebook yoof.

    With Bayo gone, Jacobson has no-one to cross to and Wycombe slide down the table and are relegated.

  • 1-0, Akinfenwa

  • Brilliant juxtaposition Jonny and Chris.

  • With Tyson, Kashket and Saunders back to full fitness, El Abd one card off a suspension and Brown low on confidence, Ainsworth opts for a Gorman-in-excelsis 0-4-6 formation. With the game poised at 9-8 in the Blues favour, the referee decides it's all too much fun to bring to an end and indicates an additional 95 minutes of added time. Fans are forced to follow the closing few hours on an unreliable iFollow feed on the coach home, with Kashket completing his hat-trick as the bus crosses the Severn Bridge.

  • The game starts quietly.

    After five minutes the Newport players realise that leafy bucks offers better prospects than the vomit slicks of Newport and seek asylum in our half. They are held in disgraceful conditions in a camp just over the halfway line.

    The yoof immediately blame them for their failure to earn more than 5.50 per hour in McDonald's and abuse them.

    The management take their eye of the main job of scoring a goal and instead concentrate resources on building a fence on the halfway line.

    Three Newport players do eventually smuggle themselves into our half by hiding in the back of Bayos shirt.

    While they could be useful in achieving our aim of scoring a goal, they are instead sent to do menial ball boy tasks along the touch lines.

    The yoof instantly blame them for their inability to hold their liquor and vote to leave the Football league.

    Eventually growing tired of being constrained to living on the margins of the pitch, one of the Newport players kicks out. at joe Jacobson in frustration.

    The yoof immediately seize on this as evidence they were right all along.

    The match ends 0-0

    A manically grinning Ainsworth flies to America to advise Trump on how to similarly fuck up the U.S. National team

  • 0-0, no shots by either side.

  • Jonny King leading the field by some distance at this stage.

  • 2-2 after we were 2-0 up at H/T.

  • North Korea launch a small intercontinental missile that seems drawn to Scott Brown's target on his chest, arriving after 8 minutes with the score still 0-0. Scotty sees it coming and attempts to catch it but dives early and it goes over him and into the net where it tangles up in the net harmlessly. The Newport County goalkeeper seeing an empty net boots the ball downfield and with everyone looking at Brown the ball goes into the unguarded net. After much discussion the referee allows the goal but Newport County sportingly let Wycombe have an unguarded run at goal. The ball comes to CMS two yards out but the ball bounces up on a bump on the pitch and he misses it, falling over and dislocating his knee.

    The game resumes and Scotty, afraid to stand still, joins the attack at every opportunity and scores after Bayo chests it down for him 10 yards out. Unfortunately Newport had already scored two more goals while he was AWOL and we go in at half-time 3-1 down.

    Baz had too many chips pre-game and isn't well enough to replace Brown in goal and to keep things simple and not confuse everyone too much Scotty Kashket, a surprise addition on the bench takes, over in goal, The new Scotty has a blinder with the large shirt on his small frame making the County forwards fall over laughing any time they get near his goal.

    At the other end, a stunning volley from outside the area by Gape and a misplaced cross from JJ that flies straight into the net, bring the scores level with 5 minutes remaining.

    Into injury time Bayo takes the ball to the corner flag to protect the point, but Scotty forgets where he is and rushes to be on hand should Bayo need to pass to him. Bayo looks up in surprise and the County defender takes the ball off him, passes it to their goalkeeper who seeing an empty net boots it forward. Harriman races back and attempts to save the goal with an acrobatic overhead kick, but misses and damages his back landing on the bump that caused CMS to fall over. (This is later discovered to be part of the backbone of Graham Westley).

    So 4-3 Newport

  • 0 - 8
    In a very bad public relations miscalculation the local crowd grow restless as Poundland Elton John Gary Barlow takes to the pitch to announce his new Welsh coalfield based musical 'Thatcher was Right' in which Taffy Elliott sings songs that sound a bit like famous hits (but not enough to get sued) and dances around the picket-lines until he discovers striking miners are all Soviet agents. With the fans already uncomfortable after an acapella rendition of one of the songs, 'Norman says Get on Yer Bike', Newport start badly and quickly fall behind to four quick goals all scored by Adam El Abd, as had been predicted by @rmjlondon just after the final whistle. @bigred87 apologises for sometimes being a bit silly, blaming it on the haribo and @Wwfc2015_ refusing to believe his eyes has a stroke while simultaneously frantically refreshing the BBC website and yelling incoherently at Jason Mohammed on the telly. Bayo collects the ball from Brown, runs the length of the pitch and chips the onrushing goalie while Bloomfield supplies assists for CMS and PCH to make it six. When Bloomy, Paris, Gape and Luke all go down injured in the centre circle, Gaz leaves Freeman on the bench to come on himself, in jeans and natty black shirt, to score the seventh. Brown takes a last minute penalty which is saved by the Newport keeper but a little harshly it bounces back off THAT shirt for a goal. Baz comes on for Brown and is promptly sent off for dissent.
    The pitch is beautiful.
    Rock and Roll football.

  • 8 - 3 (One apiece for Akinfenwa, Jacobson and Mackail-Smith).

  • Oh come on @Uncle_T, this is not the place for sensible, realistic forecasts.

  • @Jonny_King, on behalf of @eric_plant: I think you mean "its secret weakness".

  • Match abandoned after Newport supporters storm the away support in response to songs suggesting they enjoy carnal relations with farm animals and were born out of wedlock. Wycombe yoof, being younger and quite nimble depite being drunk as lords make good their escape. Several less sprightly gasroomers are left to repel the assault armed only with bad puns and pedantry. The whole sordid affair is reported in the Coventry Gazette as having taken place in a graveyard several miles from the ground.

  • @Onlooker said:
    Brilliant Manboobs

    You are too kind.

  • @Onlooker said:
    Brilliant Manboobs

    I agree with him. Edged ahead of Jonny King. Brevity the soul of wit.

  • From the BBC website:
    "New signing Ebere Eze could make his debut for the Choirboys."

    Who cares about the score when the match will sound this good?

  • 0-5 with 5 Frank Nouble OG's cancelling out his prior excellent start muting that, "Its all Wikipedia's fault', for misunderstanding him!!

  • 13 clubs in 8 years! He's no Blooms.

  • Big unit though.

Sign In or Register to comment.